creating sustaining transformative love

I am crying hysterically. Crying for the reason I am just now able to define. It has all been bottled up, how I felt about the candidacy of Barack Obama. I did not believe I knew what it entailed to be presidential or possibly President or President Barack Obama. While I was almost positive I'd been dreaming, realistically I have created within myself this place where this truth exists. I have come to realize this newfound love I have for myself fundamentally comes from the possibility of change, from this possibility of me as a person, as existing. I feel like this is it, is the way that I can become that astronaut, that lover of all things, the philanthropist that bright star. I could indeed be what I wanted, when I wanted. Barack Obama has instilled in me the possibility of being loved, created and heard all at once. He has instilled the possibility of [becoming.] [Becoming] as a state of mind is attainable and even now, probable.

I love that I have the chance to live in a way no one else would have expected in this lifetime.

I am indebted to you Barack, for as long as I shall live.

YES WE CAN.

I love that I can go to bed tonight, dreaming of something better to come. I love that I can dream in a way that won't be taken away from me. I feel like I've fallen asleep hundreds of time and never woken up like this. I am not sure exactly how I feel, except tears freely fall from the corners of my eyes with the anticipation of possibility. This means to me, a way to create, recreate, and see myself differently each time. I am possible and so are my future children, their children and every other child that will exist. I love what this will entail and CAN believe it is happening to us.

Love Always Barack








http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=33676579&l=0399e&id=46207605

(I feel like it kinda trailed off in the end, I think she was irritated with my opinion and who knows, she might look at me differently)


Sue ok, officially don't like Tuan
15:05:11◄haha
15:05:18◄he told me that he's not voting
15:05:33◄and then I was like, "why? You're not a citizen?"
15:05:54 faze well you were turned off when i told you i didnt vote in the last two elections...even though i told you i wasn't voting because i did not endorse either of the candidates...
15:05:58◄lol
15:06:03◄so I guess you dont like me either
15:06:32 Sue Yeah, i've had arguments with people about voting
15:06:36◄so I've toned it down
15:06:50◄coming from an actitive college like Oberlin, it's unheard of to not vote
15:06:55◄*activist
15:07:10 faze yeah but it also isn't for everyone. if i had a choice between voting for two McCains, what for would i vote?
15:07:19◄i mean
15:07:23◄what would i vote for?
15:07:40 Sue but it's not two McCains.
15:07:56 faze i felt it was between bush and kerry, i think was his name
15:08:01 Sue and I;m sure David isn't going to vote even though he's talking about it
15:08:04◄he's lazy anyway
15:08:21 faze but even if it wasn't, it doesn't float everyone's boat
15:08:56 Sue but that's the point. It should and I don't want to see people who complain about this and that and then do nothing about it
15:09:29fazebut of course they are going to complain
15:09:45◄and when one of the candidates lose theose people are going to complain
15:09:53◄it unfortunately is the culture that we live in now
15:10:05◄some people feel the same about halloween-it aint for me
15:10:08◄i aint getting a costume
15:10:13◄i wont have candy if kids knock
15:10:15◄i just wont care
15:10:29◄and it may not be as big as voting, but not everyone thinks broadminded
15:10:36◄thats that whole sparky thing we talk about
15:10:42◄who knows if shes going to vote
15:10:49◄who knows if shes going to take the time to do it
15:10:53◄im not saying its right
15:10:58◄im just saying its not for everyone
15:11:17◄i get candy cause its once a year
15:11:22◄and if kids want it they can have it
15:11:27◄but my neighbor may not
15:14:26 Sue I'm not comparing Halloween to voting though. People ahev fought so much for women and poc to vote and for someone to just bump it is a slap in the face. Yeah, they have the right to not vote but that the same time they're still benefitting from the hard work people have done hundreds of years ago so that they could have the choice to vote or not...and people don't realize that and it's sad
15:21:04 faze im not saying halloween is equally important as voting, im using it for example purposes only. some people think some things are important and some don't. if everyone was open minded, they wouldnt be voting for mccain or they wouldnt not be voting for barack because he was black. they would vote. so if 100 people are ONLY voting because Barack is black and they dont want to see a black man in office, they vote for McCain just because he is white, then why would we want those 100 people to show up, right? We would rather those 100 votes not be counted. so it will never be fair, ever. so i try to live my life knowing i make a difference, and if i am able to do it then i do. and havign a conversation with someone about voting or not voting isn't really going to go anywhere because they will already have decided they WON'T vote, no matter what. So I knew I wasn't voting for Bush so I used my rights not to. And that doesn't make me or anyone else a bad person for not voting for Bush, but the right is surely there, but its not that i didnt appreciate what my ancestors did. Sometimes not voting is not the worse thing, depending on the circumstances...and not everyone went to a liberal arts college where it was expected, or voting was expected. had you gone to some kind of confederate flagged campus that wasnt so liberal you may not feel the same way...and since some people don't know any different, wouldn't choose to vote. sometimes its always about your path and not about refusal to vote
15:27:14 Sue one sec, on phone
15:27:26 faze just some things for us both to think about. like you thought it was important to get up early even though you're not a morning person. i thought it was important that i go early before i didnt make time enough to go do it, my mother will spend her off day in line voting, and she said she didnt mind. shes glad she doesnt have to go to work.. And Tuan. just doesn't care either way. And sparky may claim shes going after work and her bf may sway her to stay at home and she may not go or Jim, like he doesnt do much of anything may not even go vote either. lol...so im not fussing at you or nothing, just not everyone is liberal
15:27:28◄ok
15:33:08 Sue Ok, back
15:33:57◄Well, I know that there are people who don't care and I don't associate myself with them
15:34:27 faze but the thing is is you won't always know that you don't care, like you didn't know that about him till today
15:34:47◄so i understand when you say you're done with him, i get it, its just that you didn't know that until right now
15:36:36 Sue Oh, I'm not done with him per se. I was kidding when I said that I officially don't like him but I'm not really into guys who aren't into politics. He would rather talk about hot girls and pop culture. I'm not into that and it's good that I know that know. And David has never voted and he's a loser in my eyes

what about believing everything will always be sustaining?

I am remembering a conversation a coworker told me about her sales person, that she was a lesbian and then she laughed. and while i slightly said, for real?

i am a lesbian too.

I am lesbian because it is what i know for sure. i really am not in love with men and don't want men in my space, i want a woman who will take care of me and treat me well. to think that i am appropriately defined since i am unable to stand up for myself? to admit aloud that i am a lesbian without having to worry about what anyone thinks of me.


why is it hard for me to be authentic?

I wanted to express what my life has been like in these experiences I have lived the last couple of months. I have been practicing being assertive with my life, the people around me and people who are so called friends. I will provide a few examples just because I feel like I can, especially since this is about me, not about any one else in the universe.

A man was pestering a woman on the bus, he'd asked her her name and she said "I'm not telling you". It's my name for me to have, basically. And to tell the truth, he'd climbed on the bus asking everyone for change, then when the bus did not give him a quarter change he said to the driver "I was just fuckin' with you". Then he sits next to another woman, asks her a question but she doesn't respond, and then he kept pestering the woman so I told him to leave her alone. To grow up and leave her alone. Be a man and leave her alone. So then he turns around starts yelling at me, that he wasn't talkin' to me and who do I think I am talkin' to and who said I could tell him what to do. Tells me I need to lose weight. I yell at him loud "LEAVE ME ALONE" "LEAVE ME ALONE" for every word that comes out of his mouth. So we're going down Peachtree and when we get to the bus stop the driver goes and gets Marta Police and the guy goes on and on about Lord who knows.

But to have stopped in fear and not said anything would have been most unsettling and I would spend all of this time saying to myself why didn't I stand up for this woman. While she refused to tell him her name, there was no reason for her to be taunted like that.

A coworker will stop talking to me at the drop of a hat, who knows or ever at this point cares now. So she has a friend who she also gets suddenly mad at and earlier today she wanted to claim that she stopped talking to her for two days because of an incident. I called her back on it and I said but you stop talking to me for no reason. I think for a minute I was concerned with how our conversation was going to go because she would feel attacked and then I realized there was no reason to fear her either. I called her out about not liking me and the only thing she said was that she did not hate or dislike me and then i said, but you don't LIKE me, and then she did not say anything. She is a girl with a small brain and there is no way I could get her to accommodate me and my life since she is always busy not talking to me. I have realized through that conversation that there is no way someone like her can fit in my life. There is just no ROOM for her, for that kind of behavior.

I am freeing myself of any obligation to her.

At the train station I was taking a picture of a bike tied to a bike rack next to a bike whose wheels were stolen and the frame left for absolutely no reason. So as I was taking this photo, because I thought it was hilarious and worthwhile, this man comes in the picture and throws a cigarette pack on the ground. I ask him why would you do that? He says I am sorry, I did not mean to get in your picture, I was just trying to throw this on the ground. I said to him, are you not accountable enough for your life enough to try and justify throwing trash on the ground because you are too lazy throw it away? And he continued talking to on his cell phone after I challenged him again. I asked him is he not going to take any pride for who he is other than to just throw it on the ground? He of course ignored me again, I picked it up through it in the trash.

I am home now on purple sheets, thinking about assertiveness and what it entails to really stand for something, or you will for for anything. I like this new aspect of my life of standing up for things. And while I have numerous issues, like my partner was really married and did not tell me and I had to stand up to her and put her out of my house, and so forth. My three and a half years wasted.

I can not afford to waste any more time of my life.

You know where to find me. Get at me.

i for some reason have not been able to get this girl out of my mind. yesterday we sat talking in the car for over an hour while we were waiting for her job to start. i said clearly in my short makeshift head wrap skirt that i was unequivocally falling for her in the most alluring way, that i was unable to disassociate us being friends to us being secret lovers who tell each other secrets. she keeps saying lets be friends, i told her i don't even know if she's decided she wants to be with me, but that i really want her as part of my space. arden doesn't know this because he is busy being an egotistical man who refuses to talk to me when things bother him. and while this post is not about him or my disillusioned idea of who he could possibly become, zephryn continues to take up space in my mind that i can not recall anyone else EVER doing. while i am making all feeble attempts to not grab her and kiss her as i walk close to her, i am feeling as if it is a mutual feeling that is undeniable. i love this girl for small reasons, like being able to touch her face or ask to touch her hair, because i think that she thinks touching her once may cause a break-through. i am not at all cocky, but i think she wants me. i think she wants to know what it would be like to be with me. i told her i wanted to be her girlfriend to help balance her out.

anyway, so i had this dream that i was naked in her car, in the parking lot at our complex and my sister opened the door for some strangers who were randomly running towards her to lure her out of the house, as if they were trying to attack or rape her and as i ran after her they ran after her and zephryn ran after to protect me. she slightly raised an eyebrow when i tell her i am naked in this dream. she is anticipating the ending as well and is not sure what to even do with the beginning. i am falling for her in small ways, in ways that undeniably equate access as easy, not because i am easy but because to me, this entire idea of love and loving hard is indeed possible. so it is indeed easy for her to want to say she loves me back. it will be just a matter of time before she learns the enunciation of the words " i faye love love faye i love faye".

while it has been a week since i started this draft, it does not change that i love her in ways i have never loved anyone else. like i loved instantly the way she looked at me and brought her attention towards me. i instantly loved the way she's never pulled my hand back when i touch her leg. i instantly love the quiet hush that comes over me when she wants that part of the conversation to end, and right then. I am loving her in these small ways that only she would ever understand if i ever tried explaining them. while i hope she will pay me the slightest bit of attention, i love that she is willing to wrap her almost naked brown body in a blanket and come open the door with her half smile when she sees me, and that she does not specifically mind that i wake her from her nice, soft dream of me.

----- Our chat on Wed, 4/16/08 10:34 AM -----

Charles Adams (8:53 AM): whats up
Anaya (9:03 AM): morning
Anaya (9:03 AM): just saw this blinking, sound was off
Anaya (9:03 AM): i got ure myspace message about breaking up
Anaya (9:04 AM): was it unexpected or was it leading there? and are you ok?
Charles Adams (9:05 AM): i am here
Charles Adams (9:05 AM): and writing you an email
Anaya (9:06 AM): ok well ill wait for it
Anaya (9:06 AM): and then just respond to it
Charles Adams (9:06 AM): you been alright?
Anaya (9:06 AM): hows nashville going
Anaya (9:06 AM): yeah i believe so
Anaya (9:07 AM): cant complain, ill update you when i respond
Charles Adams (9:07 AM): hehe...talk about a day late and a dollar short...lol...i moved back home last may. i was downsized and i decided to come back
Anaya (9:07 AM): lol
Charles Adams (9:07 AM): i have a good job with an engineering firm here in town and it's going pretty well so far
Anaya (9:07 AM): yeah i didnt know ud moved back
Anaya (9:07 AM): boy time flies
Charles Adams (9:09 AM): i am doing alright. how are things with you? things have gotten a lot better for me. it really wasn't right from the beginning, you know? we were just too different and she needs someone that's going to be completely devoted to her and selfless...i am not that kind of person...i know i can be needy at times and i do much better in a balanced relationship where we can lean on each other. i never felt completely confident that i could make her happy and whether or not she was happy with me and what i was doing and with all of the stuff in this world and uncertainties, i don't need to feel that the woman i love is possibly having any doubts. she was someone that i kind of knew my family would like and everything kind of matched up
Charles Adams (9:10 AM): everyone that knows me knows how i love the Miami Hurricanes and the New England Patriots and the pats were playing in a game for the right to go to the super bowl and she got mad because i wanted to atlanta early so that i could watch the game. that was so not fair...i can go to plays with you and watch movies and lounge around all day on my birthday and not do anything i wanted to do...but you can't allow me to watch a game, or you won't come with me to watch a game. when they played the giants for the last game...trying to go undefeated for the season and all, i wanted her to come with me to the restaurant to meet some of my friends and she wanted to stay home and rest. i was asking her what styles of clothing and things tha
Charles Adams (9:10 AM): *wanted to leave atlanta early...i discussed this with her and she seemed to be ok
Anaya (9:11 AM): one sec
Anaya (9:11 AM): is this in an email?
Anaya (9:11 AM): or you just copied and pasted the email
Charles Adams (9:12 AM): i was reading all the self help books, getting counseling and everything because there was something wrong as to why i had this woman in my life and couldn't give control and give myself completely to her. i finally figured it out...when you have someone you really love and you're just totally in love with them, then you do that sort of thing and they also give you that balance that you need to just be you and have things go great. people are always gonna have differences but her thing was to agree to disagree...to me that said that basically this is how she felt and it was ok and she wasn't even gonna try to look at what i was thinking and seeing if there was actually any merit to it
Charles Adams (9:12 AM): copy
Charles Adams (9:12 AM): i couldn't wait...i needed to know what you thought
Anaya (9:12 AM): alright, im reading
Anaya (9:15 AM): well i dont think it was fair for either of you to loose who you were, and while she did not have to be a fan of the hurricaines, she at least could have been supported in your passion for it. to be in a relationship with someone who is unwulling to come into your world, and do things you enjoy is not going to be healthy in the long run; you would have resented her for not letting you see the games over the years and she would have resented you for going to the games. if that balance doesnt exist, you will have the same fight over and over
Anaya (9:16 AM): and while she always wants to agree to disagree, that is an unhealthy biased way of thinking since conversation, i mean at a heightened level, is necessary for a thriving relationship
Anaya (9:17 AM): surface talk only goes so long, and if she resorts to "not wanting to talk about it," then that is not the way to resolve any issues
Anaya (9:18 AM): while i am not agreeing that she was the downhill spiral of it all (since both of you were invested in the relationship) i realize it took both of you to get to where you were....but if that inkling was there in the beginning, that much love will not transcend all
Charles Adams (9:26 AM): yeah...that's true
Charles Adams (9:26 AM): you're right on with what you're saying and i have discovered those things about all of this
Charles Adams (9:27 AM): i think it's unfair to ask someone to change who they are
Anaya (9:27 AM): well im glad you all didnt stay any longer, especially when you knew it was over
Anaya (9:27 AM): and she was going to continue to resent you for those games, she was never going to like that you were an avid season watcher
Anaya (9:27 AM): how long did you all date?
Charles Adams (9:27 AM): you can change bad habits and make suggestions to them, but ideaology changes...not good...that's right...8 months
Charles Adams (9:28 AM): to tell you the truth too...i felt like she was an agenda girl
Charles Adams (9:28 AM): just rushing to get married and i want to get married...just not like, tomorrow, you know? i need some time
Charles Adams (9:28 AM): and too i think if you meet the right person, it will all come together without having to force the issue and all of that
Anaya (9:28 AM): ure right
Anaya (9:29 AM): she may have been pushing it, wanted to be married by certain age,etc.
Anaya (9:29 AM): well 8 months is better than 3 years and you realize u are at a standstill
Charles Adams (9:30 AM): no doubt
Charles Adams (9:30 AM): brb
Anaya (9:31 AM): k
Charles Adams (9:43 AM): back
Charles Adams (9:44 AM): you're so right
Charles Adams (9:44 AM): cause that's what makes it easier to just move on and not really talk to her, you know?
Anaya (9:47 AM): it does
Anaya (9:47 AM): i mean, if its not meant to be, you cant make it
Charles Adams (9:49 AM): when someone asks you why do you love someone and you can't really tell them...
Charles Adams (9:49 AM): that's a problem
Anaya (9:49 AM): wow
Charles Adams (9:49 AM): she's not very affectionate and the more i tried to force the issue the more fake it seemed
Charles Adams (9:50 AM): it was to the point where i was saying i love you and wasn't fucking meaning it
Anaya (9:50 AM): yeah that is, cause when you shift perspectives and look at it that way, you cant really love them if you cant say why
Charles Adams (9:50 AM): just feeling nothing...and that's unusual for me cause i never feel like that
Anaya (9:51 AM): well authenticity at its best is better admitted sooner than later
Charles Adams (9:52 AM): exactly
Charles Adams (9:52 AM): i love that
Charles Adams (9:52 AM): i like to just be ok and just admit things to someone, you know?
Charles Adams (9:53 AM): i am ok with being me and it took a lot to get there
Charles Adams (9:53 AM): and i am finding people that are ok with themselves and like that, you know?
Anaya (9:56 AM): yeah well thats good
Anaya (9:57 AM): sounds as if you had a breaktrhough and wouldnt repeat this the next time around
Charles Adams (9:58 AM): i did have a breakthrough! what's been going on with you? how's your relationship?
Anaya (10:10 AM): i mean its not like i'd like it to be
Anaya (10:10 AM): sorry, i was on the phone with customer service
Anaya (10:10 AM): but time will tell
Anaya (10:11 AM): we're still living together and it isnt awkward or uncomfortable so i dont know where its leading
Anaya (10:11 AM): i have no clue
Charles Adams (10:12 AM): i gotcha...are you 2 in a committed thing or open or what?
Anaya (10:13 AM): hell, who knows
Anaya (10:15 AM): im through trying to figure it out
Anaya (10:15 AM): and im just doing me
Charles Adams (10:15 AM): right
Anaya (10:15 AM): were not dating other people, but he doesnt want to make a commitment
Charles Adams (10:15 AM): oh wow
Anaya (10:16 AM): and he wants pussy and a free ride but he doesnt want to commit to me, which after 3 years, why would you string me along that long if you dont want long term
Charles Adams (10:16 AM): exactly
Anaya (10:16 AM): and trust me, im not claiming to be the perfect one, but you're supposed to be 40 years old and able to talk about the future, money and have these earnest conversations without pouting
Charles Adams (10:17 AM): mos def
Anaya (10:17 AM): talking to him about those things is worse than trying to catch a squirrel, and it should not have been so impossible
Charles Adams (10:17 AM): yeah...that's just nuts, to
Charles Adams (10:17 AM): *yo
Anaya (10:17 AM): and while hes been married before he also married the wrong chick for the wrong reasons and while i am not trying to make him marry me, if he doesnt want to fine, but dont string me along for all these years
Anaya (10:17 AM): thats more frustrating than anything else
Anaya (10:18 AM): found out he cheated on me, went to lunch with the girl he fucked and had coffee over it, she told me everything, how they met, everything, and to this day he will still deny he slept with her
Anaya (10:19 AM): how can he look me in the face and lie to me, i mean coming clean is honorable even though lying sucks in the first place
Anaya (10:19 AM): hes cheated on every woman he's been with, so why would he suddenly change his ways for me? then when i go out to do things i say, "im going ot the grocery store, going to my mom's and going to the library"
Anaya (10:20 AM): when he goes and does things he's evasive and says he needs to "go do some thangs"
Anaya (10:21 AM): has not introduced me to his so called best friend coop saying he doesn't want to continue to introduce women to his friends that he doesn't keep-as if coop is 4 years old and taking women in and out of his life is going to shake up who he is
Anaya (10:22 AM): after 3 years, still excuses. i mean and im not even saying he has to tell me where hes going, but after 3 years still being evasive? like to me that doesn't make sense. just say you're going to fuck another woman, or that you're going to hang out with whoever.
Anaya (10:22 AM): like im not a little kid and i can handle it
Anaya (10:22 AM): i can handle the truth, but all the deception, dont like it
Charles Adams (10:22 AM): i can understand that
Anaya (10:23 AM): i just don't even want to talk about it
Charles Adams (10:23 AM): completely
Charles Adams (10:23 AM): that too
Anaya (10:23 AM): i just wish he wasn't being so "small" about it, ya know?
Anaya (10:23 AM): so of course i am wondering where you're going when you're lying about it
Charles Adams (10:24 AM): right
Charles Adams (10:24 AM): exactly...i totally can dig that
Anaya (10:25 AM): he left me by myself for thanksgiving, claimed he was with his ex's family for tgiving, why has he not invited me over for tgiving and weve dated three years?
Anaya (10:26 AM): i mean i go over to this mom's like everyday. at least 4 days a week. why would i NOT be invited?
Charles Adams (10:26 AM): that's just messed up
Anaya (10:26 AM): so then he leaves from work that morning (he works overnight) and doesn't call me even though i told him i didn't want ot be alone
Anaya (10:26 AM): claiming he made plans with his friends when i toldhim i was going to chicago with my family. didnt go cause i couldnt get that friday off
Charles Adams (10:27 AM): see? this is the problem i have
Anaya (10:27 AM): so instead of him taking me with him, he doesn't call me at all that thursday, has one of his employees call me to tell me he wont be coming home, that he will call me later
Charles Adams (10:27 AM): i am a good man and i am good to every woman i have ever dated
Anaya (10:27 AM): then friday morning he goes and gets his check and i am in the parking lot and he pulls up with another guy and two women
Anaya (10:28 AM): and then he tells me to wait in the parking lot and after he gets his check he leaves with them in the car again leaving me in the parking lot
Charles Adams (10:28 AM): i hate hearing these dumbass stories about some nigga that don't know how to treat his woman right
Charles Adams (10:28 AM): and then i don't get the woman that's just happy to have me...i get the chick that wants EVERYTHING
Anaya (10:28 AM): and i keep trying to tell him i aint no crazy chick cause if i was i woulda followed that fuckin car up the road to where they were going
Anaya (10:28 AM): but since i didnt do that, im showing you i aint crazy
Anaya (10:28 AM): then i was in the hospital for three weeks and he tells me he wants to break up because he doesnt have space
Charles Adams (10:28 AM): and isn't happy with me being there and being willing to commit and share things with you and be there for you, you know?
Charles Adams (10:29 AM): ouch...i'm not liking this kid
Charles Adams (10:29 AM): lol
Anaya (10:29 AM): he never came to see me in the hospital, not one time, so he had his freedom, i dont know what he was doing while i was in there
Anaya (10:29 AM): and then you come home and try and say you want to break up cause u need space? like are you FUCKIN KIDDING ME?
Anaya (10:29 AM): so obviously he doesn't want to be with me and instead of saying it, he didn't
Anaya (10:29 AM): so that's pissed me off
Anaya (10:30 AM): and anytime i bring anything up he gets an attitude, pouts and tries and twists it on me
Anaya (10:30 AM): so the people he was with the day after thanksgiving? he's paying that car note and car insurance
Charles Adams (10:30 AM): man
Anaya (10:30 AM): why hadn't he told me something like that? i dont know who the woman is that is driving that car
Anaya (10:30 AM): which is why he doesnt have his own car, his own car note
Anaya (10:31 AM): but when i ask him to help me pay mine, he has an attitude about helping me, though he is the reason i got that rip off car in the first place
Charles Adams (10:31 AM): this is just getting better and better
Anaya (10:31 AM): and im truly not an unreasonable human being
Anaya (10:31 AM): but communicate these things with me
Anaya (10:32 AM): he had a house with his ex wife while we were dating, and he would call her "eric"
Anaya (10:32 AM): i'm going to live with "eric" cause i think we need space
Anaya (10:32 AM): so while i am waiting for the day to bust him, i have the proof and everything and i am going to buy photo frames and hang all of the proof around the apartment
Anaya (10:32 AM): and then i am going to put him the FUCK out
Anaya (10:33 AM): and hes concerned about how i act and things i do? yet he's got an entirely other life
Charles Adams (10:33 AM): nice
Charles Adams (10:33 AM): very nice
Anaya (10:33 AM): so no, i aint been crazy, and i aint been flipping out,
Anaya (10:33 AM): but hes going to walk in the apartment and see all the proof
Charles Adams (10:33 AM): i am glad that you're gonna do this..good for you...dig it...i'm with you
Charles Adams (10:33 AM): and he's just gonna be STUCK
Anaya (10:33 AM): and until im ready to reveal it, ill just stay calm, i believe in KARMA
Charles Adams (10:34 AM): exactly...i've gotta go to our other office..i'ma get with you over there, k?
Anaya (10:34 AM): now his mother insists he doesnt have any kids. i could not imagine her hiding pictures of a grandbaby because arden doesnt want me to know about them
Anaya (10:34 AM): riiiight
Anaya (10:34 AM): well i should be online, if not we'll talk soon
Charles Adams (10:34 AM): alright
Charles Adams (10:34 AM): bye!
Anaya (10:34 AM): oh and i am going to videotape the entire reveal, have secret cameras installed
Anaya (10:34 AM): and put it on youtube!
Anaya (10:34 AM): lol

my grandmother turned 84 today. isn't it ironic that the one person i'd love to be around the most i have not seen in years? i've avoided family gatherings for the simple fact that i didn't think i could be away from arden. isn't that a sad co-dependency? while he will not admit he slept with monee, amongst who else the hell he may have slept with, i always have seemed to think that if i was here, it would keep him from cheating. if i were to leave town he would use it as his mission to sleep with someone else. and while he is busy calling me possessive, he is the one that has me aggressively frightened that he would step out on me again. and while i have made it clear that he has cheated on me, he claims, you're the first mothafucka i've never cheated on, but it comes from the mouth of the person who has spent his entire life cheating on his partner. while i know clearly what has happened, i seem to think that knowing where he is will keep me from panicking. and if he were a real man he would admit it. and if i were a real woman i would address it and put him out. but neither of us have been fully capable of admitting that we need to let it go. let each other go. i can not help that i love this man, but why should i love him enough to continue to be hurt? when clearly, he doesn't love me enough. in the mornings he is starting to go out with other people, hang out with his friends, as his claim for independence. but i never kept him from going out, i just hate that he is evasive and sneaky, and he seems to think i am trying to keep him from going out. but if i am clear and concise about what i do, why does he have to get angry when i ask him what he does. while we are not married, there is a need for accountability.

Tonight I confessed I wanted to kiss her. I'd been back and forth the entire last four days of my life wondering if I should even tell her, that it was inappropriate and if I didn't say anything that life would continue on as it had. She said she wouldn't kiss another womyn if she was with me and I told her I hoped she wouldn't but that my feelings have taken over and that I wanted her. While she was slightly uncomfortable I tried to reassure her that I wanted her comfortable I didn't want to not tell her how i felt. That I could not help it that I'd fallen for her. Her girlfriend is already suspicious and jealous and that doesn't help. I don't care much for the girlfriend especially after a previous entry she beat the shit out of her in the parking lot. While that was extremely patient to hear and watch, it also has been hard knowing she's just under my bed in the apartment below me with her hands wrapped all around her girlfriend. What makes it even more difficult is that I am falling for her in a very unexpected way, that I can not even describe. I tried putting her out of my mind when secretly I really do not know how. She tells me that she's not as glorious as she seems and I tell her I know she's not perfect, I don't claim to be either. It's hard to think that she is always so close to me but that I can not wrap my fingers around her the way I want to. I went to go pick her up, she'd run out of gas, and as i pull up she asked me if I'd gotten the gas first, I told her no, that I didn't want her sitting any longer than she'd already waited. Then we get gas from up the road and then I am thankful for the chance to see her which is why I tell her how I felt. She gets in the car, pulls off, comes back to my car kisses my cheek and she gets back in the car. She tells me she thinks I am very pretty but that she can not possibly seem to walk away from her girl. I tell her I will wait, patiently, until they break up, not exactly trying to put bad karma in the air. That I will practice patience and wait. I also tell her I want to go with her truck driving on the road, that no one has to know I am with her, that I would love to spend that time with her. She manages to say that for 6 weeks she will be with another driver. I say, right after those 6 weeks. This is going to be very trying, especially since I usually am used to getting what I want. This is hard, it makes me somewhat sombre, I wish she was up.here.with.me.

Even though I clearly graduated from high school ten years ago I feel like I can relate to the We TV Network's High School Confidential. If only this kind of show was around when I was in high school it would have helped me feel as if I wasn't alone. The girls are are candid about how they feel about growing up in their skin, in their family. I never felt like I had that when I was growing up.

I am now attempting to communicate with people I meet and I am trying to get out of my comfort zone. I am realizing I do need people, more than Arden, and that I need to be balanced and well rounded. So with that said, I am contemplating going back to the Mormon church, mostly because I feel like I need something else. I will no longer allow Arden to keep me from going or doing the things I want to do. And while he wasn't sitting saying no you can not go, he definitely had restrictions even from having to wait at the apartment until he called for a ride and most times would not even call. I am able to move forward, not wait on him to call, and being able to go and do things. He has an attitude about me not being at home but I am like, why would I want to still sit around hoping he'll come around. He broke up with me two months ago, so why should I be confined. I haven't told anyone in my family.

I have indeed fallen for the girl downstairs and Arden can not seem to get past that. He thought today I went down scantily clad with booty shorts and a wife beater. If I am sitting in my home, why not be relaxed and comfortable? Why should I go down in jeans and a t-shirt. So the girl is fly, mostly because she's got this swagger that anyone would fall for. She's cute, not overly aggressive, has a soft tone, is absolutely gorgeous and she's got this thing about her that I can not seem to put my finger on. She is interesting, alluring and intriguing. She doesn't reveal much at first, which I like and she seems to give me the impression that she is responsible, compassionate and innovative. She manages to engage me and all I seem to want is more, everytime I sneak back upstairs after knocking on her door for something random. She's seen me naked at the front door, nipple showing, thick thighs and thick hips. I've seen her stare at me and I manage to look at her in the most endearing way because she does not understand how much I want to get to know her. I've asked her for eggs, ketchup, potatoes, milk, cherrios, sand paper, just about anything. I take her to pick up her girlfriends son from school because her car needs transmission work done. While I have let her know that if she needs me for anything, I am available to drive her around if she were to just ask since I obviously do not want her stranded on the side of the road. So she and her girl invited me to go with them to the club and I didn't go because I had homework I needed to complete and about two or three hours later they are in the parking lot going at it. Her girlfriend started hitting on her in the parking lot and the only thing I could think of was I would never hit her, or yell at her like that or treat her like that. I think you lose a part of who you are when you allow people to treat you like that. Also, her girl said some hateful things which I deemed as unacceptable and would change how I felt about the person if they said those kinds of things to me. It is demeaning the way she talked to her. I just wish it hadn't gone down like that. Since then I wanted to put out on the table how I feel about her, but turns out her girlfriend already is jealous thinking something is going on. Arden is jealous too, but he dumped me a month ago. Why should I sit around when I know he doesn't want anything long term with me? He's been very clear that he does not want me, so why should I not lead a full engaging life with someone else? I have noticed I don't really like being alone, so I am glad to have him around. But I also am not feeling him totally, not how I used to because he has hurt me. Hard to trust fully after that, ya know? Can't decide you want me when you want to be jealous. Further, I adore her to the point of knowing I may not get to have her, since ol gurl is downstairs. But we'll see. I just redid her resume and sent out a banging cover letter so hopefully she will get a call back from that company. (and then, maybe then she will love me.:)

doesn't make any sense for an almost forty year old man to not communicate with me. i am not working because of the absess on my ass and can not sit down for longer than almost twenty minutes at a time. i've got constant shooting pain in my ass and it hurts everytime i try to sit down. i sit on my ass long enough to take him to work (forty minutes round trip) and then i come home and get on my tummy and type on my laptop, or lay on my side. it is impossible for me to sit down and he refuses to talk about money with me. i've been now noticing the fact that i pay all of our household bills and he doesn't routinely pay me for anything. i pay the rent, ga power, car insurance (that mind you we both use), vectren gas, car note, at&t internet and phone and now because i've been diabetes diagnosed I have to buy insulin every 28 days which is eighty eight dollars, test strips which are a dollar a strip with 50 or 100 ct boxes and supplies to maintain my absess. it is so frustrating to know that after three years we have dated and he can't step up and help me during this time. he doesn't ever want to talk about money and he brings home every week after taxes minimum 800.00 dollars. A fucking week. He's got other cars and car insurance that he pays for for another woman amongst other things, and everytime I mention the car note needs to be paid he seems to have an attitude mostly because he probably feels like he already pays a damn car note. I feel like I am in his way, that I am not worth it to him. It's like I haven't proved to him that I am good enough. And I should never have to be in a situation where I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. This feeling is depressing and not even a worthwhile feeling. I feel like I should have just died in the hospital or hell, before i went. He wouldn't notice I am not even around. I don't think we will work in the long run. He gets an attitude when I ask him to scratch or rub my back or wash it with soap or put lotion on it. I want a man who is willing to do those things for me and doesn't mind doing them. I anticipated having my short term disability payments by now but since they have not come in I am unable to pay for things myself. I thought he would have had my back but it is not even evident that he does.

I am a fool to stick around.

well yesterday appetite came over for dinner and boy did we have a good time. she went to spelman to sit in a music theory class but they were taking a test! she sat down and manned up and took it like nothing else. She said it was fairly simple. she went to dairy queen right before that and came over to eat with arden and I. she said she was hungry like a mug. i did not disagree with her. i am glad she is in atlanta, where she can be happy so she can study jazz with joe jennings. joe taught marcus for years and when i saw him yesterday all of those feelings came back, i used to sit there for hours with marcus and joe collaborating and boy it was nice to see him and feel right at home. appetite will feel at home there; going to curtis can be her biggest downfall. she sat around with arden laughing and joking while i was cooking. lol she really likes him. all in all we had a good night. on a sidenote, arden and i get along well.

Everything has happened so fast.

Last I remember I was at home in the worst pain possible. It hurt to walk stand sit kneel crawl. The infection started as a small bump with some pus. It expanded to a deep part of my leg and the infection would not go away because unbeknownst to me I was Type II Diabetes. Most of it came at a time when I felt like I Was going to die, as I'd insinuated a suicide letter when I was literally dying. Is this how Marcus felt? Like he was just dying? The feeling is surreal like you are savoring all of these moments and next you know you have almost passed out on the floor. It realistically made me recognize myself in a different light, in a way that I'd never seen myself. I was trying to understand how I was able to conceive a suicide letter while I was indeed dying. It was pretty hard to write, the words I ended up writing.

I am trying to conceive the rest of my thoughts. Will write later.

what i need is a man that has a sensitive side and is able to tell the difference between pain and random tears. i need a man who wholeheartedly can accept that and be there for me in my life. i am emotionally struggling with my three year relationship because sometimes words of anger, fear, don't come out, but tears. a wholehearted way of letting me express myself in the god given way i was given. i wish i was not always trying to justify my pain.

more later-distracted

how come he never comes after me? he seems to think he just saw me, or he just talked to me, when I am not introducing it as an implication that he just saw me. i don't think about him like crazy when he is at work, he does cross my mind, but I stay up and do homework and cook meals for him, i don't just sit around all night thinking about him. he doesn't always have to say he just saw me. it hurts, sometimes, that he isn't tuned in to the fact that we are different, because he is male, more lackadaisical, not as involved. that is generally how men are. but he doesn't seem to think of me as more than a man, but a woman who develops feelings and happenstances and who has questions and likes to talk things through. our genetic make-up, our disposition are two totally different ways of thinking and comprehending and understanding. it doesn't make it wrong, my side or his, but we are different. so his idea of missing me is maybe patting my ass as i run up the stairs from him coming home from work; checking to see if i have on a bra and panties under the frantically placed on clothes as i was leaving out of the apartment, or that side gesture in the kitchen once we arrive home-but that doesn't make his ways wrong or un-affectionate, just that they are different from my own. and i am usually the one way excited to see him though i had a very fulfilled night away from him, that i was able to relax and read and regroup my thoughts and complete homework and devise recipes for him that he might say have too many veggies in them and they will give him excessive gas (though instead he manages to find something to eat that will give him CRAZY gas) so what do we do next? because one over the other doesn't make one wrong. we just express differently and that is indeed okay.

fazette thompson took him out of my phone again. he hasn't called me back since Saturday
Monique Sanche... who chris?
fazette thompson yup. back where we started
Monique Sanch... well he is with his family
fazette thompson so im not meaning that hes not sitting around talking to me for two hours. i mean like i called him to make sure he made it safely, sent a text message like two seconds after i called, letting him know i wanted to make sure he arrived and he never called or texted back. i didn't call him since then (this was Saturday). and just because you're with your family doesn't mean you cant pick up the phone or text back...and it doesn't mean you cant say you made it okay...
Monique Sanch... Well what did he say when you told him you couldn't go with him when he asked?
fazette thompson he said okay. he'd see me when he got back. and he was capable of responding then
Monique Sanch... You really don't know what's going on where he is though. So wait until he comes back and ask him what was up?
fazette thompson i still think that at the end of the day you make time for what you want to no matter who you are or where you are. and if he was concerned with calling/texting me back to say he made it i believe he would have. and I'm not angry that he didn't. you were going through so much with your family, but you sent out a massive text to let everyone know you made it. and yes you are not chris, but if you can be stressed out the way you were and could send a text, he can make it to his mom's and do the same. so he made phone calls to someone, because i doubt he hasn't used his phone since Saturday, so when he chooses to call who he does, he has made time. so trust me, I'm far from mad, but I'm not into people that are not that considerate enough to let them know they made it. because if you didn't text me as concerned as i was about you getting there safely i would have called or texted you...one thing about arden when i met him, and three years later, he always calls. i never have to wonder if he will call. he always calls. so i believe, like the conversation i had with him about choosing, he has chosen not to call or text me. and im not over thhinking.
Monique Sanch... I'm not Chris
Monique Sanch... Maybe he thought things were awkward when you turned him down
fazette thompson thats why i don't hang out with people. i have anxiety knowing someones going on an airplane, like you driving frantically to NC, i have anxiety for almost everything including separation anxiety, height anxiety, broken heart anxiety and i don't have it when i don't keep up a whole lot of company
Monique Sanch... Maybe his really likes you and is trying to deal with the fact that you have a boyfriend whom you really like and he knows there is no chance
Monique Sanch... Well hun, that's call being human and having feelings
Monique Sanch... its okay to care about people
Monique Sanch... and you shouldn't isolate yourself to avoid having those feelings or anxieties as you put it
fazette thompson no cause we texted a few times out of that. and i moreso turned him down because the only time frame he had was 2-4 and it was already 2 and he said parking was limited there, and i woulda had to shower, get downtown, deal with parking, and by then it woulda been 4. so time was moreso why i didn't go, it wasn't a rejection, and he knows it
fazette thompson he doesn't like me
Monique Sanch... I think he does
fazette thompson i cant control whether people let me know or not they made it where they're going. so if i had 15 people on one weekend and only 2 called or texted or emailed, i'd be a mess.
fazette thompson he doesn't
Monique Sanch... you may not want to believe it, but the one thing I did get from my mother that I like, is an innate ability to read people, and he likes you
Monique Sanch... denial
fazette thompson you can not read what is not there. sorry. lol
Monique Sanch... No, I read it when it was here, you're just in denial
fazette thompson im not in denial. remember hes gay
Monique Sanch... you and I both know that in this day and age, nothing is completely black and white
fazette thompson yeah i know. Rachel made her comment yesterday about "sickin" spherion on us. what do you think about that?
Monique Sanch... I think she is as tired of the childishness as everyone else
fazette thompson but i think that it sucks that romesee can say the things that she said, that she was childish all along, with all the people she fought with before me, and now that she has said what she said to me i am in this category of seeming childish and capable of childishness. and i haven't been childish, at least i hadn't thought i was, until now, it is as if i were
Monique Sanch... no, you haven't
Monique Sanch... but the ones that like to keep up the drama are
Monique Sanch... The only adult thing to do is to just let it all go and move on
fazette thompson but as adult as moving on sounds, i still am categorized, whether by julie, dawn or janine or jim, or adrienne or pat as somewhere childish because she was able to. and my two sentences in the meeting are what may have jeopardized that. its like i don't want my name in her voicebox because of association. so moving on from being upset or mad or talking to her is fine. but moving on as associated with childishness might be hard to shake because of her reputation, and because of what she says out of her voicebox
fazette thompson that would be my concern, because i have moved on from her, i moved on for her on Friday when i went home and arden grabbed me and told me what to "do with her", you know, forget about her, etc. so I'm not holding hatred for her, but by association, it may jeopardize all I'm trying to accomplish
Monique Sanch... Understood, but I don't any of them have categorized you. You have to understand that the only power she has is that no one feels comfortable enough to say what they think and that is what motivates her position to aggravate so many people. By staying professional and not feeding into it keeps you from being categorized as childish and your work ethic speaks for itself. People like that will lead a lonely life because there will never be anyone who truly supports them, only people who try to stay close to avoid being targeted. By you taking the high road and just doing what it is that you do, takes away her power to upset you. And don't tell me you're not upset, because it clearly is still bothering you. Just remember that when you go home at night, she becomes just another person of the many you will come across in this lifetime. She doesn't have the power to change people's views of you, or at least the views of the people who matter. So to get to the point, screw her!e
fazette thompson lol
fazette thompson ok...and i am not upset. i think the misconception is that i have sat here upset. talking to janine and julie really helped, but truly, I'd moved on from Friday. i totally had put her out of my space and had moved on. the childishness perception is what i am concerned most about, not what she did or said. that is what i am upset about. and Rachel saying what she did changes her perception of me because she didn't say hello like she usually does. and when she had a question about an acct she didn't look me in the eye. and in her mind, i am childish, because it only takes just that for perceptions to be changed. though every day before then my behavior was not any less childish than anyone else here that has their occasional laugh or joke. and maybe Rachel is not that person that would make a decision about me, but she might influence someone that does
Monique Sanche... But faye, my question to you is, who is rachel?
Monique Sanche... is she your boss?
Monique Sanche... no
Monique Sanche... does she hold your future in her hands?
Monique Sanche... no
Monique Sanche... so if her perception of you has changed based on that crap, screw her too
Monique Sanche... and I mean that from the bottom of my heart! and I like Rachel
fazette thompson but you never know who has influence. sure, kim wasn't my boss, but she could have had influence on me. and sometimes, he said she said can keep you from advancing. getting and keeping a job is just not like how it used to be

fazette thompson lol
fazette thompson i didn't know what he was talking about
fazette thompson are you going to eat the food in there today
fazette thompson i mean does it taste okay in there?
Monique Sanch... yes, you're going to lunch, with me @ 3:30
fazette thompson nope
fazette thompson lol
Monique Sanch... yep
fazette thompson im going early today
Monique Sanch... I'm logging you out @ 3:30p if you haven't gone yet
fazette thompson hes cooking spaghetti tonight and i don't want to eat late today. and we haven't decided when were going to not eat again. we've been hungry lately
Monique Sanch... 3:30 is not late
fazette thompson for a 8pm spaghetti dinner it is
Monique Sanch... nope
fazette thompson and i didn't eat anything this morning
fazette thompson yeah it is
fazette thompson why would i eat 4 hours later?
Monique Sanch... so eat lightly at lunch
fazette thompson i have a light lunch but i was going to take it before 3:30 today
fazette thompson like at 2 maybe
Monique Sanch... thats fine
fazette thompson or 230
Monique Sanch... but if you don't, I'm logging you out at 3:30p. thats what I am saying
fazette thompson don't do that. i wouldn't go
Monique Sanch... then you'd better go before than
Monique Sanch... *then
fazette thompson yesterday i was purposely not trying to go because i had so many calls
fazette thompson and if i had left then i would have lost 30 minutes that i coulda called PST
Monique Sanch... I've got a huge load of calls and I still go
fazette thompson i didn't have any more EST calls
fazette thompson and then i woulda had more calls i couldn't finish because of the time zone
fazette thompson at their 10:00 our 1:00 i still had 20 more PST calls i needed to finish, and that half hour at lunch would have set me back and i wouldn't have finished all of them
Monique Sanch... but you could've left them for me and I would have
Monique Sanch... but that was yesterday
Monique Sanch... today, you are going to lunch
fazette thompson you know i like to finish all my calls
fazette thompson i did go to lunch yesterday
Monique Sanch... me too, but still go to lunch
fazette thompson i went at the end of my shift
Monique Sanch... not yesterday, thats over now.
Monique Sanch... today a new day
Monique Sanch... and you are going to lunch in a timely manner
Monique Sanch... today
fazette thompson yesterday was timely. it was timed for when i had to finish my calls
Monique Sanch... you're not going to give up? are you?
fazette thompson lol but im just saying that it was timely. it just was in my parameters of timely, not the expected time
Monique Sanch... well for today, we are shooting for an expected time
fazette thompson well i don't think we should have to
Monique Sanch... think of it this way
Monique Sanch... if everyone who left at 3:30 took lunch at the end of their shift, then me, you, david and gerald would get stuck with a shit load of calls, even if its just 30 min
fazette thompson I'd already told julie and them when they made the schedule that i am not one of those people that tale early lunches. like work 3 or 4 hours and then take lunch. I've always been one to do it later or after i've gotten most of my work done. at at&t i never went at my scheduled 3pm lunch. i usually went around 6 or so except for training when i had to go when everyone went. after i eat my mood changes, and i'm more distracted from what i am trying to get done
Monique Sanch... I'm pretty much the same way
fazette thompson and no, not necessarily. not if they worked the whole day. because from 7-11:30 all EST calls are covered and then one more hour for CST and one more hour for MST and then until 2:30 they can call PST
Monique Sanch... how many of them do that?
fazette thompson and then at 1:30 they can still call EST and at 2:30 CST so it does work
fazette thompson they don't finish their calls because they are not doing them
fazette thompson and most days we do not have 45 calls, so the day i had 45, that was the way i did them
fazette thompson if I'd had 20, i wouldn't have had to strategize my day
Monique Sanch... didn't I say that was yesterday
fazette thompson i don't like early lunches. ever. i just don't. so i will never go early or at 3 or 330 unless i am starving. and even if i am starving, i usually do not go. and sure, i do honestly forget sometimes, because i am so involved in what i am doing
fazette thompson and im not trying to be right, but i also don't want to be convinced that my lunch time preference is wrong
Monique Sanch... which is cool, but today, we're going at 3:30p, unless you go before
fazette thompson and the reason it works for julie and janine is because i am the only one doing it
fazette thompson and there aren't 10 ppl trying to do it
Monique Sanch... then you can go at what ever time you want after that
Monique Sanch... true
fazette thompson i am going early today
Monique Sanch... ok
fazette thompson because i am having spaghetti at 8
Monique Sanch... down girl!

Monique Sanche... I think Chris is wrong when he says that we are not independent enough to handle our work
Monique Sanch... some of us yes
fazette thompson i do think that
fazette thompson no i think it is not as bad as he is saying it is
fazette thompson people know what to do
Monique Sanch... but most of us just need to be put in a situation where we have to be independent
fazette thompson well we don't really have a way to be independent because the PM's are in place for the reasons that they are
fazette thompson we are not instructed to call distributors, COM's, etc.
fazette thompson so what more can we do but report to the next chain of command
fazette thompson i think he looks at us as little kids in his way
Monique Sanch... yes, but for example, today
fazette thompson hes nothing but a CUSTOMER SERVICE REP. thats all he does in good answer. answer customer phone calls
fazette thompson answer customer emails
fazette thompson he doesn't have any authority to come over here like that
fazette thompson he shouldn't get mad if they are in aux anything. they've been here since yesterday, and its not okay for him to talk loud about them like that
Monique Sanch... Julie and Janine are gone, and for some of the PIC's they are their primary lifeline, however with them not being here today, they are forced to act independently
Monique Sanch... with Todd and Rhonda as crutches if necessary
fazette thompson you're right, i feel we are independent of them, but i also think it takes time, the same way we took time to get it when we got here
fazette thompson but i think Chris is impatient. hes coming over here with unrealistic expectations and i do not think Jim is soft.
Monique Sanch... its been two months, if you haven't gotten it by now...
fazette thompson i think that this job is not like a call center job where they micro manage. and maybe they micro manage in good answer or inbound, but Jim doesn't have to run this team like they might run inbound
Monique Sanch... I agree there, Jim is not soft, he's just not overly aggressive and we respond better to that
fazette thompson and yes, it has been two months, but after what, two weeks and Paul didn't get it, they got rid of him. so its not like everyone here is Paul like and unable to complete the tasks. but i think Chris likes to categorize people like that if they are not like him, or like Shane always on call work, but Shane's like, quick riding my d!ck, hes capable of doing the work to so it is not that we are incompetent or unable, but we shouldn't be treated like that
Monique Sanch... true
fazette thompson i think to walk over here and act like he is babysitting and unable to act as their team manager while Cynthia is gone shows his immaturity and inability to fully run a team the way they should be run.
Monique Sanch... but his problem with Shane is that for some reason, he seems to be the only one who has issues with every call
fazette thompson having standards is a good idea, but why should i have had to argue him down about us using codes on the stats. its good to know the ranking as a whole, but i shouldn't have had to argue that down with him
Monique Sanch... I can see why that would cause some concern, but I agree as long as he is able to do the work and is getting it done, there should be no problem
Monique Sanch... Because they are used to things just being out in the open
fazette thompson and he shouldn't have a problem with Shane because his role is not to be the dictator of how we do our work but his role is to gather statistics on the work that we do. and Shane expresses how he feels differently. Shane does not seem to care if people see him exasperated like the comic strip "cathy", but i wouldn't want ot be seen like that. oftentimes i have a lot of work I am doing and i am stressed just like Shane, i just do not say it out loud. the only reason i got through the stress of finishing my calls and yours last night was because they were not reassigned to me. had they been i would have not have been able to finish them. and if Shane is doing so bad, why don't they let him go. people respond to things differently, and i just don't wear it on my sleeve. when im having a sh!ittyass day, i don't wear it on my sleeve. even on Monday when you all thought i was not in a good mood i was. i just was lightheaded and my blood sugar was low. but not because i was in a bad mood. so Chris needs to calm down, because his role, is no higher than us, and if hes trying to prove his worth for what he is doing, he needs to change what he says aloud if he expects to stay

So I was at work and received this forward:


Ghetto Spelling Bee

Tyreal came home from school disappointed. "I hate English, dem teachers are always changing stuff".

Mother: "Tyreal, have you been using bad words and writing dirty notes again?"

Tyreal: "Naw, momma, I sware I didn't. I used all of my spelling words in a sentence like the teacher say, but the teacher, she gave me an "F".



1. HOTEL - My Momma said that she ain' gon tell her friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause that HOTEL everthang she know.

2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL.

3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.

4. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little.

5. OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you jes said but OMELETTE it go dis time.

6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space.

7. MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE.

8. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the! cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away.

9. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her.

10. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm out.

11. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

12. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, so I got her a DOMINEERING.

13 KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

14. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play.

15 DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points My coach say DATA boy.

16. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I can get a job?"

17. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart.

18. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM."

19. DECIDE - My boy fronting' like he love his girl but eribody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE.

20. FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she can't FASCINATE.



And I’m not a forward person. I opened it and started reading. I was on the fourth one and could believe what I was reading and just who had the audacity to send it to me. So then I replied:


I know everyone will think I am being too serious and that I need to lighten up, but when I read this spelling bee, my first thought isn't to become instantly entertained with the state of how our children truly talk in this country. It is still unacceptable for me to go to my 83 year old grandmothers home in Chicago and even slightly begin to mention words like these, especially if they are associated with these, shall we call them, sentences? My problem with the way the English language is communicated in our day and age is that it is considered acceptable for us to speak like that to one another, but it doesn't at all sit satisfactory with me when one of our employees continues to speak like this. (who i've noticed is no longer here for who knows what reason) So I say this just to say that accountability has to come from within, from our communities, from our churches, because I do not think that as "any" people we would actually be able to survive. This is considered okay in what professional environment? At what signing day for football high school seniors? At what job interview that would pay you more money, which may allow you to get out of the slump you are in now? So there has to be someone willing to lead, who would be willing to correct that child, no matter if their parents try to buck at you (because they most likely got it from their parents), or no matter if you think that kid will smart talk back to you. It is still no where near acceptable for anyone to even talk like that, and that respect, in how you speak to one another, has been lost. It has been lost in our everyday encounters, in email chains and forwards and in the schools that our children are sitting.in.right.now.All across the world. sitting.in.right.now. So though the teacher would like to teach, they know have classes of 30 children where as an example, 20 talk like this. So how could they dare begin to teach adverbs and enunciation and sentence structure? It would be impossible because how could they reverse the already 8 or 13 or 17 years of talking.like.this. So if this means creating a space where school children can come, where we can arrange transportation, where we can unite and create a safe space where we can make changes, where we can teach our children to speak with pride and respect and with honor,then we need to begin our research on locations, grant proposals, i mean, can you really imagine us now in our 20's and 30's having grandbabies when we are 70 and 80 visiting us saying these things? It isn't going to change if we do not change it. These children do not know how to change it. They will be the one coming to visit us, talking like this. They have no one teaching them how to change it.

And you may think I rained on the parade, but trust me, no one else is sitting there watch us go by on floats with fancy float strings but us, we are the puppetry show, can't you see? we pick these lavish outfits and hairstyles and hip hop attitudes as a way of life to put ourselves in a puppet show where we solicit ourselves. the outfits and hairstyles and hip hop attitudes wouldn't matter as much if we could complete a sentence with a noun and verb without getting turned glances, stares, repeat glances, more stares and third glances...but this perpetual cycle will only create a massive massacre of which we each will be deemed responsible.

So then this is what I received in response from the original forwarder:

Faye,

Well see that's the type of feeling I understand you felt at that moment. Regardless of when the e-mail was sent or who sent it or anything of that nature....we are not activist here. It was humor. Even though I do understand your frustration, it may have come across to others as something different. For example, it made people unsure of the e-mails they send to people "they know" because of the "bcc" you sent out, not really knowing who you sent it to, it getting a really negative reaction, or getting into the wrong hands which was never intended. It also offended some people because they are parents and they felt as if you were trying to imply they are teaching their children this type of speech at home and not able to provide structure in their home. I do agree, this is not a place to hold a debate about the teachings of our children. I am not REALLY upset, but it did bother me a little because all and all it was just an e-mail. It wasn't intended for anyone to look at too deeply. Sometimes in a stressful environment, such as the one here, we need something crazy to take our mind off of things. Even to take us out of the place to show us that our world isn't as bad as others. It was taken to the point where it caused some stress and less relief. No hard feelings.

And then I replied to that:

Jamie,

I didn't realize I'd bcc'd it until you just said it. I meant to cc everyone. This is who it went to
Elias Correa; Glenn Upshaw; Laura Confiado; Monique Sanchez; Rachel Canady-Smith; Shantell Daniel; Jamie Winfield

All of these people I converse with and if they were offended all I did was make statements. I spoke about the children in the world as it being an epidemic, not as Shantell's young son or daughter (I do not even know if she has one). I do not know if anyone on this list has children. I never have had a conversation with anyone about their children. I just do not understand how it would be possible that people would begin to be offended by how they raise their children seeing as I do not know them or their children. I had lunch one day here with Pricillia, Laura and Shane. Once. And it was 6 weeks ago. The first week we were in training. I do not converse with people up here other than walking by the desk and I have one person's phone number, and she worked with me at AT&T.

And yes, in my real life I am an activist. I am an activist for many causes and have been arrested at silent protests at abortion clinics and in other capacities that I wish not to elaborate. I am a girlfriend, sister, entrepreneur, poet, employee, best friend, enthusiast, writer, auntie and mother. My real life does not end when I walk in the door at 11am, it continues. I am not the silent type, who refuses to stand up for what she believes in the event that other people are watching, looking, or gawking or wondering. I am not an outright controversialist, I would never stand in the middle of the floor here and express my dislike to an epidemic which is considered a joke, as if adults can not find other means to be entertained.

If my response was sent out "in the wrong hands" it was because it was reforwarded by one of the people on the above list. The Romesees and Princess's that come over to my desk after I sent it had to get it from somewhere. It needs to be shaken up, and it starts with adults who work at Coca-Cola or Delta Air Lines or Bank of America or AT&T who sit around forwarding email chains all day. What I said in response was about awareness and be cognitive of things that you forward and who you send them to. I didn't specifically target any set of people, culture, association or background, I referred to everyone as children.

You wouldn't make jokes about someone's mama being dead unless you knew for sure they were alive and have determined that they will be alive for at least 69 more years and even then you still could not determine that and it wouldn't be a joke. So when forwards are sent out to people and you don't really know the people, or how they would receive "the joke" then the response can not be that for the one who speaks her mind is that she is in the wrong. And since everyone's idea of a joke is different, it is not fair for me, or that person who thinks differently for her to be chastised because she feels differently and says so.

I do not understand how these other parents can be offended, as if I did something to them, when my comments are not affiliated towards anyone except the voices of the unheard children who do not know any better, are not taught any better, and do not expect better from themselves.

I did not look at anything to deeply. I am passionate about a lot of things, but in no way am I sitting here having a bad day over it. What people don't know about me is that I do not allow myself to feel uncomfortable because I am told I should feel otherwise. I am outspoken and no, I do not always speak, manymany things I keep to myself. But when I am reading number four on a list of twenty, and I am instead wondering why this would be okay to any adult who is sitting at Coca Cola or Bank of America or Delta Air Lines or AT&T I raise awareness and I ask questions and my interest is more in what we can do to take action steps, to ensure that 40 years from now when we are grandparents, our grandchildren to not continue.to.talk.like.this., I am not instantly trying to maintain a friendship base that never existed (because I know I haven't kicked it and gone to no one's house) but that I am concerned about the state of the universe.

And if some of these parents wish to converse and make action out of this, sure, but by no means should I be chastised and pointed at for sticking up when indeed people should take more accountability for things they circulate, because when you send it out, you are putting your stamp of approval on it, as I am this entire email.

So no, I don't have any hard feelings, and if you decide you do not want to talk to me ever again, I won't be hanging over your desk. And if you respond and it is respondable (which i know is not a word) I will respond, and if you choose to end this, I will respect that also. But I am not afraid. I have not disrespected anyone, in any form of fashion. And if they feel disrespected it is because the email made them think. Because if it is not their children, it is some children their children know, and so forth. I am in no means a bully and if this ends up forwarded all over the team, I stand by everything I have said. That is activism in its purest form.

"It is better to speak, knowing we were never meant to survive."
Audre Lorde


Then she says:

Faye,

I really don't want to continue this conversation on who you are, which is nothing that needs to be explained to me. I believe that everyone is their own person. I respect you for who you are, no doubt about it. I am happy your an Activist, and I do understand your point to spread awareness to "the people" as a whole. No one is chastising you at all. You may feel that way, but by no means was that my intention. One thing I want to you take a look at is, how you feel I may be "chastising you", maybe in your initial e-mail the others may have felt they were being "chastised" by you. Don't think I am pointing fingers a who is wrong or right because there isn't a right or wrong. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, so be aware of that. I will no longer send you forwarded e-mails which I know will be fine with you, no matter what the message. Like I said initially I UNDERSTAND.

And we were at work so I did not respond. But it is nonetheless interesting to see how people really are, and what they really stand for. How my standing up and not backing down caused a spectacle. It hurts that there is very little concern about what happens with our children.