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Nov. 6th, 2008

my favorite

grateful

I am crying hysterically. Crying for the reason I am just now able to define. It has all been bottled up, how I felt about the candidacy of Barack Obama. I did not believe I knew what it entailed to be presidential or possibly President or President Barack Obama. While I was almost positive I'd been dreaming, realistically I have created within myself this place where this truth exists. I have come to realize this newfound love I have for myself fundamentally comes from the possibility of change, from this possibility of me as a person, as existing. I feel like this is it, is the way that I can become that astronaut, that lover of all things, the philanthropist that bright star. I could indeed be what I wanted, when I wanted. Barack Obama has instilled in me the possibility of being loved, created and heard all at once. He has instilled the possibility of [becoming.] [Becoming] as a state of mind is attainable and even now, probable.

I love that I have the chance to live in a way no one else would have expected in this lifetime.

I am indebted to you Barack, for as long as I shall live.

Nov. 5th, 2008

my favorite

Change we can believe in

YES WE CAN.

I love that I can go to bed tonight, dreaming of something better to come. I love that I can dream in a way that won't be taken away from me. I feel like I've fallen asleep hundreds of time and never woken up like this. I am not sure exactly how I feel, except tears freely fall from the corners of my eyes with the anticipation of possibility. This means to me, a way to create, recreate, and see myself differently each time. I am possible and so are my future children, their children and every other child that will exist. I love what this will entail and CAN believe it is happening to us.

Love Always Barack








http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=33676579&l=0399e&id=46207605

Oct. 30th, 2008

my favorite

Just an interesting conversation I had with one of my interesting girlfriends today

(I feel like it kinda trailed off in the end, I think she was irritated with my opinion and who knows, she might look at me differently)


Sue ok, officially don't like Tuan
15:05:11◄haha
15:05:18◄he told me that he's not voting
15:05:33◄and then I was like, "why? You're not a citizen?"
15:05:54 faze well you were turned off when i told you i didnt vote in the last two elections...even though i told you i wasn't voting because i did not endorse either of the candidates...
15:05:58◄lol
15:06:03◄so I guess you dont like me either
15:06:32 Sue Yeah, i've had arguments with people about voting
15:06:36◄so I've toned it down
15:06:50◄coming from an actitive college like Oberlin, it's unheard of to not vote
15:06:55◄*activist
15:07:10 faze yeah but it also isn't for everyone. if i had a choice between voting for two McCains, what for would i vote?
15:07:19◄i mean
15:07:23◄what would i vote for?
15:07:40 Sue but it's not two McCains.
15:07:56 faze i felt it was between bush and kerry, i think was his name
15:08:01 Sue and I;m sure David isn't going to vote even though he's talking about it
15:08:04◄he's lazy anyway
15:08:21 faze but even if it wasn't, it doesn't float everyone's boat
15:08:56 Sue but that's the point. It should and I don't want to see people who complain about this and that and then do nothing about it
15:09:29fazebut of course they are going to complain
15:09:45◄and when one of the candidates lose theose people are going to complain
15:09:53◄it unfortunately is the culture that we live in now
15:10:05◄some people feel the same about halloween-it aint for me
15:10:08◄i aint getting a costume
15:10:13◄i wont have candy if kids knock
15:10:15◄i just wont care
15:10:29◄and it may not be as big as voting, but not everyone thinks broadminded
15:10:36◄thats that whole sparky thing we talk about
15:10:42◄who knows if shes going to vote
15:10:49◄who knows if shes going to take the time to do it
15:10:53◄im not saying its right
15:10:58◄im just saying its not for everyone
15:11:17◄i get candy cause its once a year
15:11:22◄and if kids want it they can have it
15:11:27◄but my neighbor may not
15:14:26 Sue I'm not comparing Halloween to voting though. People ahev fought so much for women and poc to vote and for someone to just bump it is a slap in the face. Yeah, they have the right to not vote but that the same time they're still benefitting from the hard work people have done hundreds of years ago so that they could have the choice to vote or not...and people don't realize that and it's sad
15:21:04 faze im not saying halloween is equally important as voting, im using it for example purposes only. some people think some things are important and some don't. if everyone was open minded, they wouldnt be voting for mccain or they wouldnt not be voting for barack because he was black. they would vote. so if 100 people are ONLY voting because Barack is black and they dont want to see a black man in office, they vote for McCain just because he is white, then why would we want those 100 people to show up, right? We would rather those 100 votes not be counted. so it will never be fair, ever. so i try to live my life knowing i make a difference, and if i am able to do it then i do. and havign a conversation with someone about voting or not voting isn't really going to go anywhere because they will already have decided they WON'T vote, no matter what. So I knew I wasn't voting for Bush so I used my rights not to. And that doesn't make me or anyone else a bad person for not voting for Bush, but the right is surely there, but its not that i didnt appreciate what my ancestors did. Sometimes not voting is not the worse thing, depending on the circumstances...and not everyone went to a liberal arts college where it was expected, or voting was expected. had you gone to some kind of confederate flagged campus that wasnt so liberal you may not feel the same way...and since some people don't know any different, wouldn't choose to vote. sometimes its always about your path and not about refusal to vote
15:27:14 Sue one sec, on phone
15:27:26 faze just some things for us both to think about. like you thought it was important to get up early even though you're not a morning person. i thought it was important that i go early before i didnt make time enough to go do it, my mother will spend her off day in line voting, and she said she didnt mind. shes glad she doesnt have to go to work.. And Tuan. just doesn't care either way. And sparky may claim shes going after work and her bf may sway her to stay at home and she may not go or Jim, like he doesnt do much of anything may not even go vote either. lol...so im not fussing at you or nothing, just not everyone is liberal
15:27:28◄ok
15:33:08 Sue Ok, back
15:33:57◄Well, I know that there are people who don't care and I don't associate myself with them
15:34:27 faze but the thing is is you won't always know that you don't care, like you didn't know that about him till today
15:34:47◄so i understand when you say you're done with him, i get it, its just that you didn't know that until right now
15:36:36 Sue Oh, I'm not done with him per se. I was kidding when I said that I officially don't like him but I'm not really into guys who aren't into politics. He would rather talk about hot girls and pop culture. I'm not into that and it's good that I know that know. And David has never voted and he's a loser in my eyes

Oct. 10th, 2008

my favorite

(no subject)

what about believing everything will always be sustaining?

I am remembering a conversation a coworker told me about her sales person, that she was a lesbian and then she laughed. and while i slightly said, for real?

i am a lesbian too.

I am lesbian because it is what i know for sure. i really am not in love with men and don't want men in my space, i want a woman who will take care of me and treat me well. to think that i am appropriately defined since i am unable to stand up for myself? to admit aloud that i am a lesbian without having to worry about what anyone thinks of me.


why is it hard for me to be authentic?

Sep. 16th, 2008

my favorite

Believing in Oneself

I wanted to express what my life has been like in these experiences I have lived the last couple of months. I have been practicing being assertive with my life, the people around me and people who are so called friends. I will provide a few examples just because I feel like I can, especially since this is about me, not about any one else in the universe.

A man was pestering a woman on the bus, he'd asked her her name and she said "I'm not telling you". It's my name for me to have, basically. And to tell the truth, he'd climbed on the bus asking everyone for change, then when the bus did not give him a quarter change he said to the driver "I was just fuckin' with you". Then he sits next to another woman, asks her a question but she doesn't respond, and then he kept pestering the woman so I told him to leave her alone. To grow up and leave her alone. Be a man and leave her alone. So then he turns around starts yelling at me, that he wasn't talkin' to me and who do I think I am talkin' to and who said I could tell him what to do. Tells me I need to lose weight. I yell at him loud "LEAVE ME ALONE" "LEAVE ME ALONE" for every word that comes out of his mouth. So we're going down Peachtree and when we get to the bus stop the driver goes and gets Marta Police and the guy goes on and on about Lord who knows.

But to have stopped in fear and not said anything would have been most unsettling and I would spend all of this time saying to myself why didn't I stand up for this woman. While she refused to tell him her name, there was no reason for her to be taunted like that.

A coworker will stop talking to me at the drop of a hat, who knows or ever at this point cares now. So she has a friend who she also gets suddenly mad at and earlier today she wanted to claim that she stopped talking to her for two days because of an incident. I called her back on it and I said but you stop talking to me for no reason. I think for a minute I was concerned with how our conversation was going to go because she would feel attacked and then I realized there was no reason to fear her either. I called her out about not liking me and the only thing she said was that she did not hate or dislike me and then i said, but you don't LIKE me, and then she did not say anything. She is a girl with a small brain and there is no way I could get her to accommodate me and my life since she is always busy not talking to me. I have realized through that conversation that there is no way someone like her can fit in my life. There is just no ROOM for her, for that kind of behavior.

I am freeing myself of any obligation to her.

At the train station I was taking a picture of a bike tied to a bike rack next to a bike whose wheels were stolen and the frame left for absolutely no reason. So as I was taking this photo, because I thought it was hilarious and worthwhile, this man comes in the picture and throws a cigarette pack on the ground. I ask him why would you do that? He says I am sorry, I did not mean to get in your picture, I was just trying to throw this on the ground. I said to him, are you not accountable enough for your life enough to try and justify throwing trash on the ground because you are too lazy throw it away? And he continued talking to on his cell phone after I challenged him again. I asked him is he not going to take any pride for who he is other than to just throw it on the ground? He of course ignored me again, I picked it up through it in the trash.

I am home now on purple sheets, thinking about assertiveness and what it entails to really stand for something, or you will for for anything. I like this new aspect of my life of standing up for things. And while I have numerous issues, like my partner was really married and did not tell me and I had to stand up to her and put her out of my house, and so forth. My three and a half years wasted.

I can not afford to waste any more time of my life.

You know where to find me. Get at me.

May. 2nd, 2008

my favorite

possibly a breakthrough

i for some reason have not been able to get this girl out of my mind. yesterday we sat talking in the car for over an hour while we were waiting for her job to start. i said clearly in my short makeshift head wrap skirt that i was unequivocally falling for her in the most alluring way, that i was unable to disassociate us being friends to us being secret lovers who tell each other secrets. she keeps saying lets be friends, i told her i don't even know if she's decided she wants to be with me, but that i really want her as part of my space. arden doesn't know this because he is busy being an egotistical man who refuses to talk to me when things bother him. and while this post is not about him or my disillusioned idea of who he could possibly become, zephryn continues to take up space in my mind that i can not recall anyone else EVER doing. while i am making all feeble attempts to not grab her and kiss her as i walk close to her, i am feeling as if it is a mutual feeling that is undeniable. i love this girl for small reasons, like being able to touch her face or ask to touch her hair, because i think that she thinks touching her once may cause a break-through. i am not at all cocky, but i think she wants me. i think she wants to know what it would be like to be with me. i told her i wanted to be her girlfriend to help balance her out.

anyway, so i had this dream that i was naked in her car, in the parking lot at our complex and my sister opened the door for some strangers who were randomly running towards her to lure her out of the house, as if they were trying to attack or rape her and as i ran after her they ran after her and zephryn ran after to protect me. she slightly raised an eyebrow when i tell her i am naked in this dream. she is anticipating the ending as well and is not sure what to even do with the beginning. i am falling for her in small ways, in ways that undeniably equate access as easy, not because i am easy but because to me, this entire idea of love and loving hard is indeed possible. so it is indeed easy for her to want to say she loves me back. it will be just a matter of time before she learns the enunciation of the words " i faye love love faye i love faye".

while it has been a week since i started this draft, it does not change that i love her in ways i have never loved anyone else. like i loved instantly the way she looked at me and brought her attention towards me. i instantly loved the way she's never pulled my hand back when i touch her leg. i instantly love the quiet hush that comes over me when she wants that part of the conversation to end, and right then. I am loving her in these small ways that only she would ever understand if i ever tried explaining them. while i hope she will pay me the slightest bit of attention, i love that she is willing to wrap her almost naked brown body in a blanket and come open the door with her half smile when she sees me, and that she does not specifically mind that i wake her from her nice, soft dream of me.

Apr. 16th, 2008

my favorite

while that mothafucka is lying across the bed

----- Our chat on Wed, 4/16/08 10:34 AM -----

Charles Adams (8:53 AM): whats up
Anaya (9:03 AM): morning
Anaya (9:03 AM): just saw this blinking, sound was off
Anaya (9:03 AM): i got ure myspace message about breaking up
Anaya (9:04 AM): was it unexpected or was it leading there? and are you ok?
Charles Adams (9:05 AM): i am here
Charles Adams (9:05 AM): and writing you an email
Anaya (9:06 AM): ok well ill wait for it
Anaya (9:06 AM): and then just respond to it
Charles Adams (9:06 AM): you been alright?
Anaya (9:06 AM): hows nashville going
Anaya (9:06 AM): yeah i believe so
Anaya (9:07 AM): cant complain, ill update you when i respond
Charles Adams (9:07 AM): hehe...talk about a day late and a dollar short...lol...i moved back home last may. i was downsized and i decided to come back
Anaya (9:07 AM): lol
Charles Adams (9:07 AM): i have a good job with an engineering firm here in town and it's going pretty well so far
Anaya (9:07 AM): yeah i didnt know ud moved back
Anaya (9:07 AM): boy time flies
Charles Adams (9:09 AM): i am doing alright. how are things with you? things have gotten a lot better for me. it really wasn't right from the beginning, you know? we were just too different and she needs someone that's going to be completely devoted to her and selfless...i am not that kind of person...i know i can be needy at times and i do much better in a balanced relationship where we can lean on each other. i never felt completely confident that i could make her happy and whether or not she was happy with me and what i was doing and with all of the stuff in this world and uncertainties, i don't need to feel that the woman i love is possibly having any doubts. she was someone that i kind of knew my family would like and everything kind of matched up
Charles Adams (9:10 AM): everyone that knows me knows how i love the Miami Hurricanes and the New England Patriots and the pats were playing in a game for the right to go to the super bowl and she got mad because i wanted to atlanta early so that i could watch the game. that was so not fair...i can go to plays with you and watch movies and lounge around all day on my birthday and not do anything i wanted to do...but you can't allow me to watch a game, or you won't come with me to watch a game. when they played the giants for the last game...trying to go undefeated for the season and all, i wanted her to come with me to the restaurant to meet some of my friends and she wanted to stay home and rest. i was asking her what styles of clothing and things tha
Charles Adams (9:10 AM): *wanted to leave atlanta early...i discussed this with her and she seemed to be ok
Anaya (9:11 AM): one sec
Anaya (9:11 AM): is this in an email?
Anaya (9:11 AM): or you just copied and pasted the email
Charles Adams (9:12 AM): i was reading all the self help books, getting counseling and everything because there was something wrong as to why i had this woman in my life and couldn't give control and give myself completely to her. i finally figured it out...when you have someone you really love and you're just totally in love with them, then you do that sort of thing and they also give you that balance that you need to just be you and have things go great. people are always gonna have differences but her thing was to agree to disagree...to me that said that basically this is how she felt and it was ok and she wasn't even gonna try to look at what i was thinking and seeing if there was actually any merit to it
Charles Adams (9:12 AM): copy
Charles Adams (9:12 AM): i couldn't wait...i needed to know what you thought
Anaya (9:12 AM): alright, im reading
Anaya (9:15 AM): well i dont think it was fair for either of you to loose who you were, and while she did not have to be a fan of the hurricaines, she at least could have been supported in your passion for it. to be in a relationship with someone who is unwulling to come into your world, and do things you enjoy is not going to be healthy in the long run; you would have resented her for not letting you see the games over the years and she would have resented you for going to the games. if that balance doesnt exist, you will have the same fight over and over
Anaya (9:16 AM): and while she always wants to agree to disagree, that is an unhealthy biased way of thinking since conversation, i mean at a heightened level, is necessary for a thriving relationship
Anaya (9:17 AM): surface talk only goes so long, and if she resorts to "not wanting to talk about it," then that is not the way to resolve any issues
Anaya (9:18 AM): while i am not agreeing that she was the downhill spiral of it all (since both of you were invested in the relationship) i realize it took both of you to get to where you were....but if that inkling was there in the beginning, that much love will not transcend all
Charles Adams (9:26 AM): yeah...that's true
Charles Adams (9:26 AM): you're right on with what you're saying and i have discovered those things about all of this
Charles Adams (9:27 AM): i think it's unfair to ask someone to change who they are
Anaya (9:27 AM): well im glad you all didnt stay any longer, especially when you knew it was over
Anaya (9:27 AM): and she was going to continue to resent you for those games, she was never going to like that you were an avid season watcher
Anaya (9:27 AM): how long did you all date?
Charles Adams (9:27 AM): you can change bad habits and make suggestions to them, but ideaology changes...not good...that's right...8 months
Charles Adams (9:28 AM): to tell you the truth too...i felt like she was an agenda girl
Charles Adams (9:28 AM): just rushing to get married and i want to get married...just not like, tomorrow, you know? i need some time
Charles Adams (9:28 AM): and too i think if you meet the right person, it will all come together without having to force the issue and all of that
Anaya (9:28 AM): ure right
Anaya (9:29 AM): she may have been pushing it, wanted to be married by certain age,etc.
Anaya (9:29 AM): well 8 months is better than 3 years and you realize u are at a standstill
Charles Adams (9:30 AM): no doubt
Charles Adams (9:30 AM): brb
Anaya (9:31 AM): k
Charles Adams (9:43 AM): back
Charles Adams (9:44 AM): you're so right
Charles Adams (9:44 AM): cause that's what makes it easier to just move on and not really talk to her, you know?
Anaya (9:47 AM): it does
Anaya (9:47 AM): i mean, if its not meant to be, you cant make it
Charles Adams (9:49 AM): when someone asks you why do you love someone and you can't really tell them...
Charles Adams (9:49 AM): that's a problem
Anaya (9:49 AM): wow
Charles Adams (9:49 AM): she's not very affectionate and the more i tried to force the issue the more fake it seemed
Charles Adams (9:50 AM): it was to the point where i was saying i love you and wasn't fucking meaning it
Anaya (9:50 AM): yeah that is, cause when you shift perspectives and look at it that way, you cant really love them if you cant say why
Charles Adams (9:50 AM): just feeling nothing...and that's unusual for me cause i never feel like that
Anaya (9:51 AM): well authenticity at its best is better admitted sooner than later
Charles Adams (9:52 AM): exactly
Charles Adams (9:52 AM): i love that
Charles Adams (9:52 AM): i like to just be ok and just admit things to someone, you know?
Charles Adams (9:53 AM): i am ok with being me and it took a lot to get there
Charles Adams (9:53 AM): and i am finding people that are ok with themselves and like that, you know?
Anaya (9:56 AM): yeah well thats good
Anaya (9:57 AM): sounds as if you had a breaktrhough and wouldnt repeat this the next time around
Charles Adams (9:58 AM): i did have a breakthrough! what's been going on with you? how's your relationship?
Anaya (10:10 AM): i mean its not like i'd like it to be
Anaya (10:10 AM): sorry, i was on the phone with customer service
Anaya (10:10 AM): but time will tell
Anaya (10:11 AM): we're still living together and it isnt awkward or uncomfortable so i dont know where its leading
Anaya (10:11 AM): i have no clue
Charles Adams (10:12 AM): i gotcha...are you 2 in a committed thing or open or what?
Anaya (10:13 AM): hell, who knows
Anaya (10:15 AM): im through trying to figure it out
Anaya (10:15 AM): and im just doing me
Charles Adams (10:15 AM): right
Anaya (10:15 AM): were not dating other people, but he doesnt want to make a commitment
Charles Adams (10:15 AM): oh wow
Anaya (10:16 AM): and he wants pussy and a free ride but he doesnt want to commit to me, which after 3 years, why would you string me along that long if you dont want long term
Charles Adams (10:16 AM): exactly
Anaya (10:16 AM): and trust me, im not claiming to be the perfect one, but you're supposed to be 40 years old and able to talk about the future, money and have these earnest conversations without pouting
Charles Adams (10:17 AM): mos def
Anaya (10:17 AM): talking to him about those things is worse than trying to catch a squirrel, and it should not have been so impossible
Charles Adams (10:17 AM): yeah...that's just nuts, to
Charles Adams (10:17 AM): *yo
Anaya (10:17 AM): and while hes been married before he also married the wrong chick for the wrong reasons and while i am not trying to make him marry me, if he doesnt want to fine, but dont string me along for all these years
Anaya (10:17 AM): thats more frustrating than anything else
Anaya (10:18 AM): found out he cheated on me, went to lunch with the girl he fucked and had coffee over it, she told me everything, how they met, everything, and to this day he will still deny he slept with her
Anaya (10:19 AM): how can he look me in the face and lie to me, i mean coming clean is honorable even though lying sucks in the first place
Anaya (10:19 AM): hes cheated on every woman he's been with, so why would he suddenly change his ways for me? then when i go out to do things i say, "im going ot the grocery store, going to my mom's and going to the library"
Anaya (10:20 AM): when he goes and does things he's evasive and says he needs to "go do some thangs"
Anaya (10:21 AM): has not introduced me to his so called best friend coop saying he doesn't want to continue to introduce women to his friends that he doesn't keep-as if coop is 4 years old and taking women in and out of his life is going to shake up who he is
Anaya (10:22 AM): after 3 years, still excuses. i mean and im not even saying he has to tell me where hes going, but after 3 years still being evasive? like to me that doesn't make sense. just say you're going to fuck another woman, or that you're going to hang out with whoever.
Anaya (10:22 AM): like im not a little kid and i can handle it
Anaya (10:22 AM): i can handle the truth, but all the deception, dont like it
Charles Adams (10:22 AM): i can understand that
Anaya (10:23 AM): i just don't even want to talk about it
Charles Adams (10:23 AM): completely
Charles Adams (10:23 AM): that too
Anaya (10:23 AM): i just wish he wasn't being so "small" about it, ya know?
Anaya (10:23 AM): so of course i am wondering where you're going when you're lying about it
Charles Adams (10:24 AM): right
Charles Adams (10:24 AM): exactly...i totally can dig that
Anaya (10:25 AM): he left me by myself for thanksgiving, claimed he was with his ex's family for tgiving, why has he not invited me over for tgiving and weve dated three years?
Anaya (10:26 AM): i mean i go over to this mom's like everyday. at least 4 days a week. why would i NOT be invited?
Charles Adams (10:26 AM): that's just messed up
Anaya (10:26 AM): so then he leaves from work that morning (he works overnight) and doesn't call me even though i told him i didn't want ot be alone
Anaya (10:26 AM): claiming he made plans with his friends when i toldhim i was going to chicago with my family. didnt go cause i couldnt get that friday off
Charles Adams (10:27 AM): see? this is the problem i have
Anaya (10:27 AM): so instead of him taking me with him, he doesn't call me at all that thursday, has one of his employees call me to tell me he wont be coming home, that he will call me later
Charles Adams (10:27 AM): i am a good man and i am good to every woman i have ever dated
Anaya (10:27 AM): then friday morning he goes and gets his check and i am in the parking lot and he pulls up with another guy and two women
Anaya (10:28 AM): and then he tells me to wait in the parking lot and after he gets his check he leaves with them in the car again leaving me in the parking lot
Charles Adams (10:28 AM): i hate hearing these dumbass stories about some nigga that don't know how to treat his woman right
Charles Adams (10:28 AM): and then i don't get the woman that's just happy to have me...i get the chick that wants EVERYTHING
Anaya (10:28 AM): and i keep trying to tell him i aint no crazy chick cause if i was i woulda followed that fuckin car up the road to where they were going
Anaya (10:28 AM): but since i didnt do that, im showing you i aint crazy
Anaya (10:28 AM): then i was in the hospital for three weeks and he tells me he wants to break up because he doesnt have space
Charles Adams (10:28 AM): and isn't happy with me being there and being willing to commit and share things with you and be there for you, you know?
Charles Adams (10:29 AM): ouch...i'm not liking this kid
Charles Adams (10:29 AM): lol
Anaya (10:29 AM): he never came to see me in the hospital, not one time, so he had his freedom, i dont know what he was doing while i was in there
Anaya (10:29 AM): and then you come home and try and say you want to break up cause u need space? like are you FUCKIN KIDDING ME?
Anaya (10:29 AM): so obviously he doesn't want to be with me and instead of saying it, he didn't
Anaya (10:29 AM): so that's pissed me off
Anaya (10:30 AM): and anytime i bring anything up he gets an attitude, pouts and tries and twists it on me
Anaya (10:30 AM): so the people he was with the day after thanksgiving? he's paying that car note and car insurance
Charles Adams (10:30 AM): man
Anaya (10:30 AM): why hadn't he told me something like that? i dont know who the woman is that is driving that car
Anaya (10:30 AM): which is why he doesnt have his own car, his own car note
Anaya (10:31 AM): but when i ask him to help me pay mine, he has an attitude about helping me, though he is the reason i got that rip off car in the first place
Charles Adams (10:31 AM): this is just getting better and better
Anaya (10:31 AM): and im truly not an unreasonable human being
Anaya (10:31 AM): but communicate these things with me
Anaya (10:32 AM): he had a house with his ex wife while we were dating, and he would call her "eric"
Anaya (10:32 AM): i'm going to live with "eric" cause i think we need space
Anaya (10:32 AM): so while i am waiting for the day to bust him, i have the proof and everything and i am going to buy photo frames and hang all of the proof around the apartment
Anaya (10:32 AM): and then i am going to put him the FUCK out
Anaya (10:33 AM): and hes concerned about how i act and things i do? yet he's got an entirely other life
Charles Adams (10:33 AM): nice
Charles Adams (10:33 AM): very nice
Anaya (10:33 AM): so no, i aint been crazy, and i aint been flipping out,
Anaya (10:33 AM): but hes going to walk in the apartment and see all the proof
Charles Adams (10:33 AM): i am glad that you're gonna do this..good for you...dig it...i'm with you
Charles Adams (10:33 AM): and he's just gonna be STUCK
Anaya (10:33 AM): and until im ready to reveal it, ill just stay calm, i believe in KARMA
Charles Adams (10:34 AM): exactly...i've gotta go to our other office..i'ma get with you over there, k?
Anaya (10:34 AM): now his mother insists he doesnt have any kids. i could not imagine her hiding pictures of a grandbaby because arden doesnt want me to know about them
Anaya (10:34 AM): riiiight
Anaya (10:34 AM): well i should be online, if not we'll talk soon
Charles Adams (10:34 AM): alright
Charles Adams (10:34 AM): bye!
Anaya (10:34 AM): oh and i am going to videotape the entire reveal, have secret cameras installed
Anaya (10:34 AM): and put it on youtube!
Anaya (10:34 AM): lol

Apr. 14th, 2008

my favorite

(no subject)

my grandmother turned 84 today. isn't it ironic that the one person i'd love to be around the most i have not seen in years? i've avoided family gatherings for the simple fact that i didn't think i could be away from arden. isn't that a sad co-dependency? while he will not admit he slept with monee, amongst who else the hell he may have slept with, i always have seemed to think that if i was here, it would keep him from cheating. if i were to leave town he would use it as his mission to sleep with someone else. and while he is busy calling me possessive, he is the one that has me aggressively frightened that he would step out on me again. and while i have made it clear that he has cheated on me, he claims, you're the first mothafucka i've never cheated on, but it comes from the mouth of the person who has spent his entire life cheating on his partner. while i know clearly what has happened, i seem to think that knowing where he is will keep me from panicking. and if he were a real man he would admit it. and if i were a real woman i would address it and put him out. but neither of us have been fully capable of admitting that we need to let it go. let each other go. i can not help that i love this man, but why should i love him enough to continue to be hurt? when clearly, he doesn't love me enough. in the mornings he is starting to go out with other people, hang out with his friends, as his claim for independence. but i never kept him from going out, i just hate that he is evasive and sneaky, and he seems to think i am trying to keep him from going out. but if i am clear and concise about what i do, why does he have to get angry when i ask him what he does. while we are not married, there is a need for accountability.

Apr. 3rd, 2008

my favorite

falling

Tonight I confessed I wanted to kiss her. I'd been back and forth the entire last four days of my life wondering if I should even tell her, that it was inappropriate and if I didn't say anything that life would continue on as it had. She said she wouldn't kiss another womyn if she was with me and I told her I hoped she wouldn't but that my feelings have taken over and that I wanted her. While she was slightly uncomfortable I tried to reassure her that I wanted her comfortable I didn't want to not tell her how i felt. That I could not help it that I'd fallen for her. Her girlfriend is already suspicious and jealous and that doesn't help. I don't care much for the girlfriend especially after a previous entry she beat the shit out of her in the parking lot. While that was extremely patient to hear and watch, it also has been hard knowing she's just under my bed in the apartment below me with her hands wrapped all around her girlfriend. What makes it even more difficult is that I am falling for her in a very unexpected way, that I can not even describe. I tried putting her out of my mind when secretly I really do not know how. She tells me that she's not as glorious as she seems and I tell her I know she's not perfect, I don't claim to be either. It's hard to think that she is always so close to me but that I can not wrap my fingers around her the way I want to. I went to go pick her up, she'd run out of gas, and as i pull up she asked me if I'd gotten the gas first, I told her no, that I didn't want her sitting any longer than she'd already waited. Then we get gas from up the road and then I am thankful for the chance to see her which is why I tell her how I felt. She gets in the car, pulls off, comes back to my car kisses my cheek and she gets back in the car. She tells me she thinks I am very pretty but that she can not possibly seem to walk away from her girl. I tell her I will wait, patiently, until they break up, not exactly trying to put bad karma in the air. That I will practice patience and wait. I also tell her I want to go with her truck driving on the road, that no one has to know I am with her, that I would love to spend that time with her. She manages to say that for 6 weeks she will be with another driver. I say, right after those 6 weeks. This is going to be very trying, especially since I usually am used to getting what I want. This is hard, it makes me somewhat sombre, I wish she was up.here.with.me.

Apr. 1st, 2008

my favorite

almost there

Even though I clearly graduated from high school ten years ago I feel like I can relate to the We TV Network's High School Confidential. If only this kind of show was around when I was in high school it would have helped me feel as if I wasn't alone. The girls are are candid about how they feel about growing up in their skin, in their family. I never felt like I had that when I was growing up.

I am now attempting to communicate with people I meet and I am trying to get out of my comfort zone. I am realizing I do need people, more than Arden, and that I need to be balanced and well rounded. So with that said, I am contemplating going back to the Mormon church, mostly because I feel like I need something else. I will no longer allow Arden to keep me from going or doing the things I want to do. And while he wasn't sitting saying no you can not go, he definitely had restrictions even from having to wait at the apartment until he called for a ride and most times would not even call. I am able to move forward, not wait on him to call, and being able to go and do things. He has an attitude about me not being at home but I am like, why would I want to still sit around hoping he'll come around. He broke up with me two months ago, so why should I be confined. I haven't told anyone in my family.

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